Thursday, 10 September 2015

Sex Machine (Get Up, Stay on the Scene)

In the Coen brothers' movie Burn after Reading, there is a scene in which George Clooney takes Frances McDormand into his basement and shows her a very singular chair which he has constructed, having seen similar things for sale in "gentleman's magazines" for twelve hundred dollars.


"I'm lookin' at this thing," he tells her "and I think, 'You gotta be kiddin' me.' I'm a hobbyist. Thing's basically nothing but speed rails. I figure I'd go down to Home Depot and whip this up myself for a hundred bucks."

He switches on the device and shows his creation in all its glory. The repurposed car seat rocks back and forth and in the the crotch level gap in the seat, a shiny pink dildo pops up and down like a penis-shaped whack-a-mole.



"Oh my god," says McDormand with an expression that could be very easily be interpreted as a the sort of shock, horror and general freaked-out-ness most of us would feel when being presented with a home-made fuck chair at the end of a first date. Turns out she's not as freaked out as you might think, though. "That's fantastic," she says in an awed whisper.

It's funny because it's so ludicrous. The Clooney-Fuck-o-Matic is the least sexy thing possible. My toaster is more erotic. It's like the bit in Withnail and I, when Ralph Brown says that his friend's sister got a doll that wees itself for Christmas so he and his friend have decided to go to into business selling dolls that shit themselves. It's the deranged ramblings of a stoner who has no idea how the toy industry works.

Except that dolls who poop themselves are totally a thing. Have been for years. Withnail writer/director Bruce Robinson should be claiming some kind of royalties.

I bet Viz's "Daddy, I've done a poo-poo" unique collectors doll is now readily available on QVC these days, as well.

So it should come as no surprise to find out that mechanised sex machines aren't just something that were dreamt up by Joel and Ethan Coen for the purposes of making their characters look like hilariously deviant weirdos.

Mechanical fucking devices are available for your purchasing pleasure right now!

The LoveBotz Maestro Multi-Faceted Sex Machine is available on UberKinky for the bargain price of £399.99. Unlike the fictional Clooney fuckomatic, you don't even get a comfy chair. Just something that looks like a cross between a meat slicer and a mangle with a hastily added dildo on the front.
LoveBotz!
"The Maestro Multi-Faceted Sex Machine was designed with precision craftsmanship and extreme attention to detail. This premium sex machine from LoveBotz comes with an adjustable speed of 90 to 300 RPM so you get to choose the perfect thrusting speed for the occasion. Easy to assemble and easy to use, you can adjust the Maestro’s height, angle, stroke speed and thrusting depth."

I can choose the thrusting speed, angle and depth? You're spoiling me. I'll take two!

If your budget is ever so slightly larger, you might want to consider the F-Machine Pro 2 Fucking Machine. Available to purchase for £549.99.

It seems impossible that anything could look less sexy than the LoveBotz but you know, I think the F-Machine has managed it. The designers clearly considered 'functionality' more important than 'looking in any way attractive'.

F-Machine!
Nice to know it's a Pro machine, though. I'd hate to be penetrated by some kind of amateur device. I'm not sure who would be constructing amateur fucking devices. It sounds like something Scrapheap Challenge would take on in between constructing hovercrafts and trebuchets. Of course that show totally faked everything. If there had been a "fucking machine" episode, the teams would have just "happened" across some handily placed engines, rotating wheely things and realistic looking nine inch dildos in their initial scrapheap recce.

(I love that show by the way. They were all dressed like they were part of some futuristic dystopian nightmare. I was happy to imagine that society, as we know it, had completely broken and the last few humans were having to scour the wreckage in order to produce a hastily cobbled together mechanised scooter. Or a Fuckbot, naturally.)

But back to the F-Machine Pro 2 Fucking Machine.

"F-Machine GEN2… the F they say is for FUN! Looking for an automatic self-propelled fucking machine? You’ve come to the right spot. This virtually silent beast is the Bentley of the sex toy world, are you ready to give it a go? The F-Machine is an extremely versatile sex machine which comes with an adjustable thrust rod that can thrust anywhere from 0 to 240rpm. This thrust rod is compatible with any Doc Johnson Vac U Lock dildo of your choice. Its adjustable thrust depth of 1-6 inches allows you to choose how deep you want to go."

Self-propelled! Thrust rod! Vac U Lock Dildo! Need I say more? I hope not, because words are kind of failing me at the moment.

I may be looking at this penetration business all wrong because, honestly, these contraptions are doing nothing for me. It's not like I feel one has to get another human being involved in one's sexual pleasure. My orgasms were mostly self-generated for a couple of decades before I rediscovered the joys of dating. Tried and tested purely organic methods usually sufficed. Although I have no objection to employing a vibrator or a magic wand for the purposes of really, really enjoying a bit of "me" time.

I don't know what it is, though, point me in the direction of a mechanised "thrusting" apparatus and I'm strangely reluctant to bend over and offer up my delicate lady areas. I'm probably missing out.
Tried and Tested Organic Method
Sexual pleasure is all very well, but I find, being a massive spanking pervert, any kind of sexual shenanigans are a secondary consideration. Being bent over and repeatedly hit on the arse with stuff will always trump clitoral stimulation and 'thrusting'-based pleasures when I'm planning my 'perfect evening'.

Is there a mechanised robotic device designed with the zealous spankee in mind? Of course there is.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to the Spanker Machine. A snip at £76.

Spanker Machine!
"The Domestic spanking Machine: Your new Adult Toy. Make your fantasies come true with Spanker Machine! The domestic spanking machine for your erotic games. Very easy to use and mount. 10 strike intensity positions. Different angles of impact."

I know what you're thinking: "Why the fuck would I want to purchase something which appears to be a camera lens attached to some meccano?" Well, hold your horses there spanko-sceptics, maybe you should check out the video before you leap to any conclusions.


Um... yeah. OK. It's not much of a spanking is it? Do you think the thong-clad model in the video would have even been aware  that there was a spanking taking place if it wasn't for the slight slappy noises and, you know, the fact she was being paid to be there?

The Spanker Machine is only suitable for spanking implements which weigh less than 100 grams. Funnily enough, I haven't weighed all the implements in my gentleman friend's collection but, you know what? I reckon all the best stuff would be unsuitably heavy for robo-spanking purposes.

Give it a decade or so and I'm sure all manner of realistic lifelike sex 'n' spanky robots will be available for sale at your local B&Q. Until then, I am happy to forego being penetrated and beaten by clunky-looking mechanised devices in favour of, well just not being penetrated and beaten by clunky-looking mechanised devices.

If I can be on the receiving end of such things from a nice, funny and delightfully sadistic human being instead, that's just a massive bonus.


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