Monday, 22 June 2015

Penises: The Massive Penis Conspiracy

This is my 'P' post for the Spanking A-Z Blog Challenge. "What's that?" you ask. Check out my page here for more information and a list of all the wonderful bloggers taking part.

"Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful... PENIS!"
"... bountiful penis."
I write heterosexual erotic romances with sex scenes in them. So, you know, penises turn up from time to time. And I follow what seems to be the number one rule when it comes to writing fictional penises, all my characters have absolutely massive dicks.

Now in real life, I like a penis of any shape or size. It's all about the person it's attached to, really. (Come to think of it, I'm not completely sure about the 'any shape' part of my earlier sentence. Vaguely penis-shaped is preferable. If it were shaped like a teapot or jumbo jet, that might be a little disconcerting.)

And from time to time, I do worry that the fact that apparently every single romantic hero ever written is bigger than average in the trouser department. They're all packing a twelve inch rock-hard monstrosity that they're ready to deploy at a moment's notice. And then five minutes after they've orgasmed in some kind of powerful manly way, they're generally ready to go again.

Are we oppressing menfolk by presenting these unrealistic depictions of manhood? Or does it not matter? Men don't generally read these sorts of books, anyway.

My women are all slim and beautiful without a zit or a pair of wonky boobs between them. And my men are tall, firm-chested hunks of men whose penises have as much length and girth as credibility will allow.

Can you think of any examples you've read where the hero had a below average sized penises? (And you know, roughly half of men have below average sized penises in the real world because that's how averages work.) Would you read one if there were? Or are massive penises a non-negotiable part of erotic fiction. Are we all monsters?


  1. Talking from personal experience, very large penises can be a bit painful when they crash against the cervix. Average size is OK for me. Maybe that is why, when I write a sex scene I don't usually comment on the size, just the way it is used, which is more important. As you say, it is the person it is attached to which is way more important.

  2. I once tried to write that what my hero lacked in length, he made up for in girth, but my beta reader totally nixed it. Apparently, anything less than huge is an insult to your hero...

  3. Sometimes I like just to be vague in that area as well. I can't recall ever reading a romance novel where the guy had a small penis, but I think no one is reading a romance novel for real life moments, you know? That's why everyone orgasms every single time and no one ate too much at dinner, or feels slightly puke-y after downing a beer with their chocolate cake. And yes, maybe because most women are with the smaller than average penis sizes they think every hero needs a giant cock, which isn't the case in real life, but in a book I guess so.

    I think you can get away with the heroines being more flawed because female readers find them relatable. But heroes almost always have to be perfect, as a writer you can't write: "He was kind of dim and didn't understand sarcasm. He also was generally lacking in size, but what he lacked he made up for with his tongue skills."

    You can't write that, but if one of my girlfriends emailed me that I would say, well don't kick that man to the curb just yet, it's good to have great tongue skills!

    1. Aw, Casey. You just like everyone. "Kind of dim" would be a definite deal-breaker for me. 'Lacking in size' wouldn't be a problem and obviously 'tongue skills' are marvellous. But no amount of tongue skills would make up for the dimness and not understanding sarcasm. I am a TOTAL snob when it comes to cleverness and sense of humour.

  4. When I read erotic books I sometimes get tired of all these perfect male heroes - with their six-packs and broad shoulders and giant penises (I keep wanting to call the plural of penis, penii!!) and they are often billionaires - a mere millionaire doesn't count these days. Sometimes I yearn for more flawed, but interesting characters. I must be weird! Is it because as you go through life the perfect heroes can seem a little boring and shallow, whereas the flawed ones can often turn out to be the more interesting and charismatic of men.

    1. I completely agree with you. The billionaire boyfriend particularly always grates with me. I'm more tolerant of rich blokes in historical stories - in fact I'm guilty of including a few titled Lords with no money worries myself. But in contemporary romances, I always harbour a suspicion of Christian Grey-type millionaire businessmen. It seems to me that you'd need to be a bit of ruthless arsehole to make THAT much money. I bet there are a lot of exploited lower-paid workers at Grey Enterprises whose hard work enables Christian to twat about on yachts and helicopters.

      And I don't particularly have a thing about chiselled six-packs either. I mean, I wouldn't REJECT a potential suitor because his chest looked like Taylor Lautner's in Twilight. I'm not that shallow. But sense of humour and compatible kinkiness come far higher up the list. (So sorry, Taylor Lautner if you're reading this (I'm sure he reads this blog AND all the comments), if you're not into spanking then there's no way this could work. And come to think of it, you're WAY too young for me anyway. Sucks to be you, Lautner.)

      I think this is definitely something that I want to look into more. I've wondered before about having a hero who is a virgin. I think that would be entirely doable, especially in a historical romance.

      But weirdly I think that things that would be perfectly OK in a real-life relationship, hero being shorter than heroine, having smaller than average penis, not being able to get a hard-on every time, would be an absolutely no-no in erotic romance. And yet, I'm sure I have enjoyed books where the hero's actions would be a total deal-breaker. I'm thinking of Christian Grey STEALING Ana's car. But, then, I don't like Grey anyway. I'm sure I've fancied fictional erotic heroes who have done equally bad stuff though.

  5. I can't remember which old school historical romance author did it, (I want to say Johanna Lindsey) but there is a book out there where the hero was bad in bed. It's a hilarious bit through a few scenes where the heroine is left disappointed. Eloisa James has done this also, a few times. She's marvelous at bringing truth into her love stories. The length and girth of the peni were vague in most all instances, along with the heroines being disappointed.

    Of course the men rallied, and after humiliatingly discovering their lady love never once orgasmed, they figure things out and make the magic happen.

    In real life I've mostly experienced the above average fellows. Maybe it's the region I lived in. I, like most women in real life, find above average to be quite uncomfortable, although my husband is a perfect fit. (I'll keep specific measurements to myself) I still like reading about my heroes being hung like horses.

    I like to compare it to Playboy. Many of those women are scrawny skinny, with large fake tits, and an inner labia with zero pout. Men love looking at that magazine, but in real life they prefer a woman with more meat on her bones, and all different kinds of labias.

    I think we all should have our fantasies. I for one don't think they hinder my enjoyment of reality. I grew up reading historical romances and I never once thought, "Oh, that's exactly how a true man should be." Or that's really how love works. Although it would have been hilarious if I'd seen my first penis and asked, "Is that it? Is it full sized? It doesn't get ANY bigger?" :)

    1. Thanks for your feedback, Aubrey. I like the idea of writing a male hero who doesn't get a hard-on but pleasures his heroine regardless.

      I think, in real life, men come under far too much pressure in the bedroom. Not from me, I hope. But there seems to be a popular perception in the media which goes "You failed to get an erection? YOU RUINED SEX." "You had an erection and then lost it before ejaculating? YOU RUINED SEX." "You had an erection and then came really quickly. YOU RUINED SEX."

      There's a horrible pressure on men to "perform". Sex is not a performance! It's a couple of people who like each other doing stuff that will make the other one happy. Erections are optional.

  6. Speaking as as male reader of erotic romances, and as an author of same, HATE the trope of the massive dick! Invariably, the heroine' s hand cannot reach all the way around, she looks a bit fearful of the size, but nevertheless, happily accommodates it in her mouth, or other orifice, despite being a virgin there.

    In my books and stories, MY heroes are older men, frequently with thinning hair, a belly, a grey beard, etc. They match my heroines, who are older, have weight and image issues, and are always experienced women, not girls. One of my heroes is a Dom With two submissive women, and severe ED. One of my heroines lost a breast to cancer.

    And every man has an ordinary-sized dick.

    1. Thanks for your response, Lawrence. That's a really interesting take on the subject. I'm not sure there's such a thing as an 'ordinary' sized dick, mind. There's no one 'ordinary' size. Penises can vary from two inches to twelve. It's all 'ordinary'.

      Have just downloaded a sample of your book 'Her Master's Heart' from Amazon. I am intrigued.